28 February 2009

Put me in, coach, I'm ready to serve...

In today's Hartford Courant, there's a story about "prison coaches" who teach white collar criminals how to survive prison life.

Now there's a job for which having done time would be a condition of my hiring an applicant. No time served, no job offer!

Indeed, I'd have a series of questions, the answers to which would help me determine the suitability of the candidate:

How many times have you seen the following films:

Papillon, starring Dustin Hoffman (1973)

The Birdman of Alcatraz, starring Burt Lancaster (1962)

Carbine Williams, starring Jimmy Stewart (1952)

What prison films should I have been watching all these years to prepare myself -- since I fear these will not help at all?

How many shivs have you made? Out of what materials?

How many shivs have you used? To what effect?

Is there a place I could order a shiv since I'm not all that handy?

Conjugal visits: yea or nay?

If I asked real nicely, what are the odds I can get the top bunk right away?

Preferred cake in which to bake a file: Black Forest, Angel Food, Carrot?

Since I already have one year of law school under my belt, how many sentences need I serve to become a real jailhouse lawyer?

Which image should I have tattooed on my right shoulder to send the appropriate message to my fellow inmates: a Chinese dragon, an axe, or a butterfly (a poignant allusion to Papillon)?

Given my questions, how long do you think I'll survive in prison: 1 day, 2 days, 6 hours?

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