Now that John Boehner is resigning as Speaker of the House and from Congress, I formally announce my willingness to accept the position of Speaker.
I know, I know...I give and give and give some more for my beloved Country, but when the Land of the Brave and Home of the Free comes knocking, I'm not the kind to not open the door (especially after checking through the peephole and demanding several times "Who's there?").
Now, let me make this clear: some Ohioan can have his seat in the House of Representatives, which I know is not how that whole "Constitution thingy" works, but consider the benefits of having a Speaker of the House, third-in-line after the President, y'know!, free from the influence of constituents, party leaders, special interest groups, and, naturally, that whole Inside-the-Beltway mentality.
But America is not a stupid country and, of course, demands good reasons why they should choose me -- extra-constitutionally -- for such an important position, especially at a time when there are all sorts of people who seem eager to "make America great again."
My platform is far more modest: "GREAT" is a pretty high bar, after all. So, I say let's shoot for just making America "SWELL" again!
In that spirit, here are the top 3 reasons I should be named the replacement for John Boehner as Speaker of the House:
3. All of the Xavier University stuff in his office can stay; I'm a Musketeer, too.
2. I'm VERY VERY good at looking interested in, and appropriately reacting to, what anyone addressing Congress might say, an important skill (fine-tuned at years of faculty meetings)
since the Speaker is always in view of the camera at all those joint sessions of Congress.
1. I would never be satisfied with being Speaker of just a House; I'd want to make it a HOME.